Poetry Archives Bio

Introspective of a Boy and a Girl

April 22, 2000
To Erin Tong

It is not fair simply not fair what has happened here right then and there I know that what you told me is true I know that you are right I can see the truth I can touch it I can taste it on my bleeding lips but I cannot embrace it I cannot face up to the facts of the truth I will try I will slash and cut at my vain attempts and risk this persistence is too much too fragile I know this is a process this is necessary necessary for development for the common good for maturity for the great scheme where everything will work out but I can't I love something which I will try which I will try what you have told me to do which is murderous because because in the tears that cross my face like trenches filled with pulsating blood I get this to end the inhumanity for all the good there is in the world I don't love a concept I am not a machine and yet and yet I am not in control of what I feel of what I perceive the concept I love is controlling me controlling me and the worst part do you know the worst part the worst part is I know all I think in fact I think too much about the fact that I know this is all an illusion an illusion with a purpose a necessary suffering even why is it like this though what have I done what have we done all built in a safeguard a precaution that I am forced to love what do I love I thought I loved you but I don't know what I love but a concept I am scared I am very frightened by the fact I am not in control I did not know it was like this this simple truth is as scary as it could be such a fundamentality you do know what I'm doing don't you I'm letting it all out like cutting my veins which I will perhaps do someday because these sufferings these tests of suffering are too much to handle for an ordinary human being who wants to love and to be loved back without any restraints without any concessions or deals or negotiations without guidance of machines alas the only mechanism that is restraining us which we can see sooner or later or perhaps when it is too late but it is still there it is present just grab it dive into the well of youth dive into the sea of forgetfulness and desist the love desist the existence I cannot embrace the concept I cannot understand the cruelty I cannot understand what has snapped in me yesterday and will break in you tomorrow only you know what you want and what you've done and I know what I want and what I've seen and one loses and one wins only everyone's a loser everyone's a figure watching television on the green meadows of our subconscious I want love to be I want happiness like the man said happiness happiness for everyone free and let no one go unsatisfied no one and here we stand or rather you stand because you know as you've told me and I believe you that's why I kneel and I say and I see that I cannot face I cannot see I cannot take it anymore I am infected I am a diseased disease I don't know what to think as all my accomplishments all my pride in my knowledge in the anatomisation in the dissection thereof all my pride in who I was is not gone all that remains is fear fear of the unknown that is printed on the inside of our eyelids that is built into our world into us into our conscience into our makeup into every particle which would then dictate my every move that I would in my ignorance deem my own woe to free will if I cannot control what I say or think or do or perceive or write even now stop this please stop otherwise I will forget you are the wise you are the experienced I am like a typo on the page waiting to be corrected waiting to be eternally whited out waiting to finally desist waiting to die waiting always waiting for something waiting for someone to come by and correct everything and to make everything work but I am what am I in the end an empty nutshell and a king of the infinite space inside my mind like Hamlet said but who is the real madman here sitting in front of the grid of the keyboard sitting and thinking that pressing the whitened keys will affect my reality will make a change will make a difference all this is for nothing I know it because you have beautifully told me what you thought and felt I don't know what but I understand now I am evil in my ignorance I destroy and because of that you hate my guts and just wouldn't tell me that yet but I love you why is it thus why is it so what did I do so badly that I deserve to fall into this pit perhaps to never climb out again and the eternal image of the hangman is sticking out and is stuck in the back of my throat as I can swallow the bitterest of pills but not this on this I choke on this I die in my stupid stupid hallucinations of a dreaming boy what am I what new low have I come to if I cannot face up to what I see I am a stupid teenager a stupid adolescent who pretends who pretends he has substance and talent I have nothing nothing anymore I thought I had my words but not even that I will remember forever how eloquently how soothingly you have pressed the needle into my beating heart and injected me with reality as I bled all over the carpets not that it's your fault it's not definitely not mine rather but you are an accessory as I am an accessory to the murder of your feeling you are an accessory to the murder of my soul and not by your own means anyway you had to do this you had to tell me the final truth which is not a test anymore it is not anything anymore but the blunt very sharp very penetrating truth of illusions and appearances of appearances am I pretending do I what do I have to pretend what do I have to say to see to make you understand that I would probably die than cope with the fact that I do not make it go round my little bubble sure I don't care anymore to be is subtle and to not to be is death death inside oneself where no one hears it scream and shout where no one sees it surer chained to the walls of the cave of knowledge and understanding that would kill you sooner or later I thought I loved you I still think I do but differently but differently ignorance ignorance is bliss but then what is knowledge knowledge is death we must be tame we must be ignorant that is the only way I will ever love you in my mind forever as it hurts as my eyes bleed of their natural fluids which is not tears or blood when you close your eyes and see you never liked me and funniest of all never as I see that I still love you but as in nineteen eighty-four I will be remodeled redesigned to be a new being one that can conform and that can obey and one that would not know the difference between good and evil as he plunges to nothingness and then his peace perhaps not to be is the easiest way out not to be not to think thinking too much perhaps I should cut my thinking off with the blunt blade of your truth because of a single fact that had undermined and collapsed every thing I have ever stood for as I speak now I thought I loved you after a while it is obvious that all I loved was the empty sound of the waves of satisfaction breaking across my mind well now that I'm cut up into small parcels I do see what you mean.